You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
