hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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