In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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