dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
