drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
