the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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