JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
