Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
