I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
