Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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