I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
