you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
