did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
