Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
