i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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