I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize