Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
