you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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