wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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