All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
