I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
