phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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