I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
