you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
