my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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