She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
