is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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