I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize