i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
