He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
