If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
NoShamevember. You game?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
