Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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