dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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