I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
