I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
