You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
