The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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