I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
