I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
