The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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