k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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