I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
