How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
