dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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