it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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