It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
