I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
