I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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