Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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