i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
