i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
