Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
