community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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