forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
