take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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