Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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