my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
