Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
