come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
