Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
kristin has been a bad kristin
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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