Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
